The Man Selfie - A Profile Picture Review
Yes, I know! I’m writing about dating AGAIN, and you are probably sick of hearing about it by now because you're either A.) Single and enduring this nightmare yourself or B.) In a relationship and/or married and unable to comprehend the struggle that the rest of us single people face with finding our soulmate. But I just couldn’t help myself. You see, for reasons that make me look like a total creeper, I recently went though all of my old messages in my OkCupid inbox, and first let me say that there are a lot of freakshows living in this city, as I’m sure you are all aware of by now. Second and most importantly my inbox quest accidentally turned into an interesting little study of men’s profile pictures, or to be more exact- their profile picture faux pas.
I’ve heard time and time again from my guy friends that online dating is so much easier for women, and I whole-heartedly agree. There is an art to posting the perfect dating profile picture. As a girl, I chose my photos based primarily on how unrealistically attractive I look in them. For example, my personal profile contains one headshot where I look all kinds of sexy and mysterious, as well as three regular photos that managed to capture my arms at the perfect angle, so they appear Sarah Jessica Parker toned. Leading one to believe that I walk around town everyday looking exactly like the rare red-headed hottie that exists only in these pictures thanks to extensive makeup, magical angles, and extraordinarily great lighting.
While in reality, this level of attractiveness actually happens for me…oh, maybe 10 times a year. I've always aspired to be one of those girls that gets up extra early to put together a stylish outfit, curl my hair, and create the perfect smoky eye before leaving the house to go GROCERY SHOPPING! I even made it my failed New Years resolution, two years in a row, to always leave the house with my hair and makeup done. But alas, day after day I fail to be this super human kind of woman that I so often see roaming the streets of LA. Most days you can find me walking around town in my yoga pants with a raggedy old beanie on my head, in a half-assed attempt to cover up my tangled mess of hair. But who wants to date reality?
Is this false advertising? Yep, it sure is! But you can’t deny that you do the same thing ladies! Overall, it’s accepted that girls use their dating profiles as a place to display their unrealistic “Oh My Gawd...I look Hot AF” photos. So what about men? With guys it’s harder. It would come across as abnormally girly for a guy to display a nicely cropped photo of himself, trying to look as hot as possible, while he works all the right angles in his pic, and sucks in his stomach like his life depended on it.
So I did a little experiment on male profile pictures. I gave myself 100 swipes on OkCupid, and discovered that there are about 20 different shots that most guys use on their profiles. It’s like all of the men got together and agreed that these 20 poses will make them look good without it seeming like they're trying to hard cause that would be totally gay dude! AND the best part of this whole discovery is that most of these pictures are a hilariously horrible call. So let’s examine my findings from the profile picture experiment, shall we? As I present you with The 20 Most Ridiculous Male Poses In The World Of Online Dating.
#1. The Betty White Shot!
You wouldn't believe how many guys have profile pictures with Betty White! I guess it says, “I'm fun and I love grandmas.” Not necessarily THEIR grandmas…but the world’s most loved grannie, Betty! Are you really gonna swipe left on Betty? I don’t think so…if you did then you’d be a heartless Betty White hater, and no girl wants to be labeled as that. So you swipe right on whatever dude you come across that has a profile picture with Betty White regardless of how nerdy or ugly he is. It’s really ingenious if you think about it.
Also just a side note, I don't know about you, but I wonder about the well being of Betty every single day. Like realistically she can't have that many years left in her, and I dread the day I wake up to find that Betty White is no longer with us, maybe even more than I dread the loss of my actual family members! Is that normal?
#2. The Just Abs Shot
There are millions of “Just Abs Guys” online, and when I come across their profile pictures I'm always left wondering…WTF happened to your head? Were you decapitated? Personally, I could give two shits about your abs, what I need to know is do you have the face of a troll? Is that why you're afraid to post your head online? The “Just Abs Guys” really do think that women will be so taken aback by their torsos that we won’t care what's missing above their necks! I mean come on, I've seen the TLC documentary about conjoined twins Abby and Brittany, and let me tell you after watching that I most definitely need to know what you’ve going on upstairs!
Have no fear, regardless of which way you swipe these torsos, they will somehow find a way to track you down and send a real clever message like, "Hey sexy ass!" Offering zero explanation as to where their heads went, and expecting you to respond with something along the lines of, “I’ve been waiting my whole life to go on a date with a torso like you!”
#3 The Bathroom Selfie
Do these men not have one single friend that can take a picture of them? Not a co-worker, their mom, a hobo on the street...anyone? Or do they just think that they look extra sexy in dim bathroom lighting? I sure as hell can’t figure this one out! But regardless of the reason for these weird selfies, taken just inches away from potties across the lands, there are an abnormal amount of pictures taken by men in bathroom mirrors. Every time I come across a bathroom selfie I am left wondering... did you poop right before you took this photo? I highly doubt that pondering feces is what these guys were going for when they posted these pics, but hey, shit happens nonetheless!
So sir, were you pooping when you took this photo? Huh?!! Were you??
#4. The Shock You Shitless Selfie
I have decided to blur this guys face because I am a nice person, and I don't want to completely humiliate this dude, not that he would care from the looks of it. Anyway...I actually got a message in my inbox from this guy, and when I opened it I screamed so loud in the middle of a crowed lobby that I dropped my phone, and the rest of this picture will explain why…
Warning do not look at the image below if you are under the age of 18, or easily offended.
For future reference guys, naked profile pictures are a huge no-no across the board, I don't care what you look like! And to the dude in this photo, please for the love of God do women everywhere a huge favor and put some pants on sir! No one wants to see your saggy balls! No one!!
P.S. I keep trying to imagine who took this photo for him. Or maybe he took it himself with the timer on his phone? I'm not sure which would be more disturbing honestly....
#5. The Pose With My Bros Shot
Unlike the aforementioned takers of the bathroom selfie, it's good to know that these guys actually do have friends, or at the very least surround themselves with cool strangers who are willing line up fraternity style and take pictures with them in a bar.
But…umm…which one are you? I can't count the number of times I've swiped yes on a hottie in the middle, only to find out upon further inspection that the profile is actually the complete reject's on the right.
#6. The Ladies Man Picture
Wait, is that your sister that you are standing oddly close to, or your girlfriend?Are you trying to show us that you have met a hot girl before? I'm confused...
Maybe this works for some people, but I've never seen a picture of a dude posing with a hot girl on his dating profile and thought “Oh well if she dated him…maybe I should date him too!”
#7. The I Don't Know If You Can Tell, But I Workout Shot.
Oh wow, excuse me sir... do you work out?!! The “look how much I can lift” gym selfie usually consists of a shot with a guy who just happens to have his shirt off, and also just so happens to be flexing at the moment someone randomly snaps his picture at the gym.
Or worse they are attempting to flex whilst taking the picture themselves in the gym mirror, while people on the treadmills behind them roll their eyes in disgust.
#8. The Pointing At Something Shot
Yes point! Point away boys! The point really makes a huge difference, don't ya think?
It’s always good to have something to do with your hands….so pointing is FOR SURE the way to go.
It's like night and day – pointing and no pointing!
#9. The Candid Just Jammin With My Band Pic
What can I say, musicians really do it for me. So I don’t have anything to add to this one except, rock on you sexy boys!
#10. The Pose With A Gun Picture
I genuinely don't understand this one. I don't know if they are trying to make a statement on gun control, or what, but this is a very common dating site pic in LA, so I can only imagine how popular it is in the south.
Seriously though, the last thing I want to think about when meeting a stranger for a blind date is what kind of weapons they have on them. Or even worse to picture them shooting something (more specifically shooting me!) I'm just saying....
#11. The Yeah, I Ride A Motorcycle Picture
Oh wow! You have a motorcycle?! I can't see a dang thing about your face through that helmet, but since you know how to ride a bike, I definitely must date you!
#12. The Pose On A Red Carpet So You'll Think I'm More Important Then I Really Am Pic
This is pretty self-explanatory, but yeah, this is LA- we all have random red carpet pics. I mean hell, sometimes there's even a random red carpet to pose in front of at the grocery store.
So unless you're hugging Leonardo DiCaprio in that picture you aren't fooling anyone!
#13. The Pose With A Random Baby Picture
Now this picture is a doubled edged sword if you ask me- on one hand lots of women do melt when they see a man holding a baby, but on the other hand women like me have to obsessively hunt through your profile for an explanation as to whose baby it is before deciding which way to swipe. And if your profile doesn't start with a mention of "that's not my baby" than you are getting a big fat no just for safe measure. I often wonder if guys approach their friends that have babies and are like, "Listen Molly, I'm gonna need to do a photo shoot with your kid real quick to up my chances of getting a date on Cupid...you cool with that?" I mean seriously, how do so many guys have so many pictures with random babies on their profiles? They can't ALL be their nieces and nephews!
#14. The I Love Animals Selfie
Being an animal lover myself, I'm a sucker for the I love animals selfie!
However, the most disappointing part of these pictures is when you find out that the guy you swiped right on because you liked his face and LOVED his dog is not the actual owner of said pet! It's like finding out that Santa Clause isn't real all over again, and 9 times out of 10 that's not their animal! So be warned!
#15. The Pondering Nature Picture
Yep, it's a popular choice for guys in LA to post a picture from that one time they left the city 3 years ago to go camping, in order to appear more outdoorsy then any of us urban dwellers really are. My favorite part of this picture is how they always stare off into the distance, looking as though they are contemplating life in all of its vastness. When in actuality, these guys are thinking, "Did you take the picture already? It's so f-ing hot up here, and sitting on this rock is killing my ass!"
#16. The This Is Not A Selfie- Selfie
Hot Damn I love these! You can crop a photo all you want, but the telltale elevated shoulder will give you away every time. These are my favorites because the photographer/subject truly thinks that we will believe that he was just caught by someone accidentally in this moment of pensive thought. Bitch please! Girls invented this move, so we can obviously tell that you staged this overly dramatic scene, and we know that you probably took 50 photos of yourself before getting the shot right!
#17. The Various Stages Of Facial Hair Photos
This is especially popular during No-Shave-November, when dating sites are flooded with guys sporting pedophile mustaches and trailer park sideburns.
While I must admit it is entertaining, no girl wants to go out with a creepy version of magnum P.I.
#18. The Funny Costume Selfie
When guys don't know what picture to post they often go with a funny costume pic. Like this one....bless him!
When all else fails choose the stick of butter playing the ukulele, it's an attention grabber if nothing else.
#19. The Trying To Hard To Be Funny Pic
These self proclaimed funny dudes missed the boat and land in the overly cheesy/lame category. But I'll give them an A for effort.
This kind of cheesy picture includes all thumbs up photos, food eating pics, and popping out of London phone booth shots.
#20. The Look How Handy I Am Shot
Women dig men who can build stuff, am I right? So putting a picture up where you are holding some kind of tool should definitely do the trick. Sadly, I kind of get the logic...
So there you have it, the 20 most commonly ridiculous poses from men's dating profiles. Feel free to leave us a comment if you have anymore to add to the list.