The World Champion of B.S.
If anyone were to ever ask me, “Hey Macee, What were you doing on New Years 2006?” I could say without hesitation or shame “I was watching the Rock, Paper, Scissor Championships on ESPN with my Grandpa.”
You see, that New Years I can vividly recall getting dressed to go meet my friends and my now ex-boyfriend at a party, when I walked into the living room to show the love of my life, my Poppie, my new New Years Eve cocktail dress. I was like…“Hey Poppie, what’s that on the TV?” And he turned to me and said, “It’s the stupidest thing! Can you believe they have a Rock, Paper, Scissor Championship on ESPN?” And that was all it took…
Two seconds later my phone was on silent, my friends were stood up, and I had the best New Years of my life ringing in 2007 with my Grandpa by eating popcorn and watching grown-ass-men perspire with nervous sweat as they tried to decide between throwing paper or rock on live television.
Until this week I thought that the Rock, Paper, Scissor Championship of 2006/2007 would always be the most ridiculous “sport” that has ever aired on TV, and that’s including the much loved National Spelling Bee Championships that I also ironically watch on ESPN. (Let me tell you that as a dyslexia survivor who never spelled one single F-ing word right during all of the stupid spelling bee competitions that I was forced to participate in throughout my elementary school days. I now get immense pleasure out of watching the National Spelling Bee Championships every year because I just love seeing those nerdy little proficient spellers crack under pressure when they realize that hearing the word “alopecoid” used in a sentence isn’t going to save them.)
But I digress…so as I was saying… Until this week I thought that the Rock, Paper, Scissor Championship of 2006/2007 would always be the most ridiculous “sport” that has ever aired on TV. That is until today when my friend Adrian sent me a video of a Stick Horse Riding Competition, and my head almost exploded with joy!!! Check out that gallop!
So all of this got me thinking…maybe I can be a world champion of something completely absurd, and that can be the mark I leave on this world. Forget doing good for humanity! One day when I’m dead and gone, my grand children will all sit around the dinner table talking about the time that I was the fastest shoe tier in all the lands, or some crap like that. So I developed this short list of all of the extremely useless skills that I possess. Which I fully intend to turn into some kind of world record by this time next year because I’m a freaking winner damn it! So here we go… wish me luck.
Driving a car with my feet.
Beating the old school Minesweeper computer game.
Bending my fingers backwards at the middle knuckle.
Loosing my car keys 100 times a day.
Peeing infrequently whilst drinking.
Wearing my contacts far past their expiration date without cleaning them.
Sleeping soundly on any surface.
Doing nothing for days without getting bored.
Knowing every word to all Nelly rap songs.
Picking off nail polish, even gel, in record time.
Having an impressive number of Tinder matches.
Doing drunken cartwheels.
Cooking absolutely anything in a microwave.
Able to lift slightly more than you would think.
Sleeps well on airplanes.
Responding appropriately to conversations that I haven’t actually heard a word of.
Skilled at picking up stuff with my toes.
Comfortable in the outdoors for up to eight hours.
Scoring well on standardized tests.
Proficient at sleepwalking.
Can make a terrific spinach dip.
Shaving while simultaneously brushing my teeth in the shower.
A somewhat OK parallel parker.
And dating a record number of men with commitment issues.
If you can think of anything that I am leaving off the list please feel free to add them by leaving a comment below, and as I begin my journey to a world record, I will end this post by leaving you with my all time favorite Spelling Bee video. Enjoy!