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Knock, Knock. Who's There? Aunt Flo

Howdy Tiny Ass Fans! It is 2 in the freaking morning on a Tuesday and I am sitting alone in my living room, with a glass of wine, my dog and leftover pasta. Why am I up you might ask? Because a) It’s my turn to blog this week and up until 20 min ago, I thought I had nothing to write about, but then I remembered that, b) I am an expert procrastinator and c) because I just watched Wonder Woman, d) I have decided that I want to tell you all about the many wonders of being a woman. Although I am slightly underwhelmed by the movie, it did remind me of one thing: being a woman is awesome, and it also fucking blows. And even though I could share a list of reasons why it is great to be a female, that is no fun, so instead, I have decided to put on my “over-sharer” hat (which I wear so well) and do what I do best, because it is that time of the month and I am feeling a lot of rage. And the truth is, that as much as I appreciate the gender that was assigned to me by genetics 27 years ago, I also feel a deep hatred for it once a month and I swear if I hear one more person tell me that my period is a blessing and a reminder of the joys of female fertility, I will jump off a cliff and Tiny Ass Chair will be one blogger short.

A while ago, I stumbled across some hippie article online that said that the purest form of behavior in women comes when we’re on our period. Essentially, what this “study” suggested was that the extreme emotions we experience while on our periods are actually our true emotions and they are a product of how we really feel about things. It also said something along the lines of, “so don’t freak out when you’re acting crazy, because that is who you really are.” Now I don’t know about you ladies but that sounds scary AF to me. I mean, if what they’re saying is true, that means that I am not myself for the remaining 20-something days of every month when I actually feel together, which means that my true self is, for lack of a better word, a PSYCHOPATH. In all my years of experiencing the blessings of lady-hood, I have never, during the duration of my period stopped and said, “Wow, I am so lucky I am a woman; bleeding uncontrollably is lovely.”

(Day 1)

I have also never said, “Wow, I really handled that well.” But the most important part of being crazy, is accepting you are crazy and I fully, wholeheartedly accept that when it’s that time of the month, I go insane. For instance, sometimes my husband asks me what I want for dinner and I involuntarily flip out and have to take deep breaths in order to not yell at him, because all I really want to say is JUST FEED ME ALREADY HUMAN! Or when I am at work and people ask me how I’m doing and all I really want to say is, well I feel like an obese elephant today and I am starving but want to vomit at the same time, thanks for asking. But I don’t! I keep it together!

Before I get to the real point of this post, let me just say, to all you men out there who make fun of your girlfriends or wives for acting erratically and saying outrageous shit when we’re menstruating, WE ARE FULLY AWARE OF WHAT WE’RE DOING, SAYING AND FEELING.

(deep breath)

Anyway, to deal with the madness that is my period and feelings of extreme anger and sadness that come with it, I have devised a list of activities and foods that make me feel better. I would also love to hear from my fellow ladies, what you do to survive your periods. And if you’re one of those women that feel nothing on their period, then fuck you! Just kidding, I’m feeling a little aggressive, as you might have been able to tell already. Without further ado, here is a list of my period hobbies:

1. Watching videos of baby goats in pajamas

The last time I saw this video, I started crying at my desk.

In case you didn't notice, this one is wearing a onesie with lobsters on it. If you're as intrigued as I was the first time I saw this, you might want to check out the full video HERE.

2. Stalking @theRealDiddyKong on Instagram

Diddy and Yeti are two tiny monkeys that look like aliens and they really enjoy taking baths. When I'm in line at the store and feel like I want to slap the person behind me who is obviously oblivious when it comes to personal space, I just whip out my phone and stare at these guys and picture what they're life is like.

3. Looking at pictures of Chamaco, my favorite Instadog and crying

I have come to the conclusion that Chamaco is Bruno Mars and Bruno Mars makes me happy so...

4. Singing "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes in the shower

"I said HEY! What's going on?!"

That song is my Angry Woman Anthem. Click HERE if you feel like singing angrily with me.

5. Stuffing my face with the following:

Cheese (any shape and form), butter, peanut butter, cheese fries, nachos, tacos (really all Mexican food). Squeezing limes in my mouth or drinking vinegary dressings until my throat burns. Carbs, carbs and more carbs, did I say butter? Nutella and oh yeah, my favorite carb: bread.

6. Binge watching Crime Documentaries

Because what's bloodier than what's going on in your pants?

(Click HERE and see my last post for reference.)

Ma' pants: Day 2

7. Binge watch Disney princess movies

Even though my murderous instincts come out, the little girl in me also does. IT'S JUST ALL SO CONFUSING!

6. Crying some more, and then some

The crying usually comes around the 4th day, when I realize what a bitch I've been to everyone. But then that just snowballs into crying in the shower, crying to my dog, crying to my friends about my existential crises, crying while I reflect on all the things I could be doing if I felt better and crying about how obese I feel.

Let it out Dawson, let it out.

8. Obsessively cleaning my apartment until my hands bleed

Maybe I'm borderline OCD, but nothing helps me vent like cleaning every corner of my apartment. On my last period, I swept my floors so passionately that I literally popped my lower back and I couldn't move for 2 whole weeks. That gave my friends something to laugh at for a while.... Despite the physical pain that comes with it though, cleaning is one of the few things that gives me extreme pleasure when I'm on the rag. It's almost like I am cleansing my dark soul of all the horrible thoughts I'm thinking.

9. Sleep for 16+ hours

I'm usually a 5-hour sleeper but Aunt Flo just sucks the life out of me. I can only compare this feeling of exhaustion to what you might feel after competing for American Ninja Warrior, except I'm not moving and my uterus is the American Ninja.

10. Convince myself and others that I am unlovable

Just like my baby maker sabotages me once a month, I in turn, try to sabotage my relationships. Just like clockwork, every 4 weeks, I incessantly try to convince my husband not to love me by reminding him what a huge bitch I can be and that it will probably only get worse and it's not worth him sticking around. The worst part of all of this is that when he tries to make me feel better by telling me why and how much he loves me and how he would never leave me, all I can think about is how he didn't make the bed one day 3 months ago.

For these reasons and more, if that article is telling the truth, then I really am a bad person deep down inside. Oh well...

Now, don't be shy! Share some of your tricks! Be shameless with me and comment below! And don't forget to subscribe :)

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