Knowledge is power and the internet is unlimited knowledge, so naturally, because these days no one can get their face off of their computer monitors, phones and iPads, we are all essentially very powerful beings. Except for some reason, we have chosen to use the internet to learn about things that contribute nothing, and I mean literally nothing to our intellect and existence. At least I have. So for your amusement, I have compiled a list of useless questions I have searched the web far and wide to answer for no reason other than to be able to sleep at night because I just cannot live with the thought of me being the ONLY person in the world who wonders about these things. Turns out, I am not alone in the world after all and hundreds, sometimes hundreds of thousands of people have "shamelessly googled" away on these topics, just like you (admit it) and just like me. Hence, I am starting a new hashtag we can all enjoy: #Shmoogle or #Shmoogling, because isn't shamelessness what search engines are ultimately for?
1. Why does my morning pee smell like cereal?
Ok, real gross I know. But don't tell me that you've never smelled some Cheerios with undertones of Lucky Charms in your piss. WebMD, the Wikipedia for hypochondriacs, claims that this is an early sign of diabetes. Yah...ok.
2. How old is Willie Nelson?
I constantly ask myself this question, mostly because I worry for Willie. Then I google his age, and I'm ok and then I forget how old he is again and I freak out. I'm sure Willie forgets how old he is every day too (if you know what I mean). Well, turns out he's 84 years old and notice how he is the first person to come up in the suggestions which means that there are more good people out there who worry about Willie as much as I do.
3. Are narwhals real?
Sue me for thinking this was a mythical creature! I still remember the day I found out narwhals are real and it still shakes me to my core. Somewhere in the ocean there is something that looks like a unicorn manatee.... It's fucking weird.
They live in Arctic waters in case you were wondering.... There is so much I want to know about them.
4. Why do all Chainsmokers songs sound the same?
I'm sorry to break it to you Chainsmokers fans, but you are listening to the same harmonies over and over again. Click on the image if you don't believe me. BOOM!
5. Can you purposely drown yourself?
Seriously, can you deliberately drown yourself without holding yourself down with weight? Just to be clear, I did not google this because I intend to drown or die. I've just always wondered how in movies people just dramatically slo-mo-walk into the ocean and just drown. Like you can just force your fucking body to stop breathing! I guess the short version of the answer to this question is you can pass out and eventually drown. So, yes, it is possible, just like apparently dolphins can commit suicide.
6. Celebrities that look like feet
To prove to you all that I am not the only person that thinks certain people look like human limbs, here is a picture of another normal person like myself that is so convinced Robert Pattinson (a.k.a Vampire Teenage Dream) looks like a foot, he actually wrote an article about it. Click on it and see what I mean!
FYI, some people look like thumbs, or fists and some even look like knees. I'm not afraid to admit it and you shouldn't be either.
7. What is the difference between Latino and Hispanic?
Probably should have shmoogled this sooner but don't blame me for not being able to keep up with political correctness in this country. It is exhausting. If you are curious like I am, here is an educational video to guide you on the cluster fuck that is humanity.
8. Can you die from hiccups?
I have come to the conclusion that hiccups run in my family. My cousins suffer from it, my sister, the list goes on. It is actually embarrassing. I can't finish a meal, a glass of water, let alone a single beer without hiccuping for a solid hour. One time, I hiccuped for so long that I almost threw up. I have hiccuped for so many hours on end that I have honestly thought I might have a heart attack and die. So far I haven't but we'll see.
And I'm sorry but can we just talk about the fact that someone actually googled, "can you die from hickeys?" Teenagers man...
9. Skrillex looks like a mop
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I also firmly believe that people look like objects. Remember Skrillex? He legitimately looks like a floor mop. Here's proof:
10. Does eating too much carrots turn you orange?
See? I didn't even have to finish typing the question! I've heard papaya also turns you orange.
11. Is calling someone a Jew offensive?
I guess this is one of those where it depends on who you're saying it to and how. To avoid any political incorrectness, just stick to "Jewish" as in "he's Jewish" not "he is a Jew". Having said this, I am thrilled to announce that my mother recently disclosed to me that our family is of Sephardic origin. So, I guess this means I am "a Jew"? Hell yeah! I always knew I wasn't cut out to be Catholic.
12. Are cockroaches necessary?
Seriously though, what is the point? And as far as the point of a "cocktail shaker" goes....well, it's used to shake. cocktails. Whoever searched that is even more lost than I am in this world.
13. Zika (everything about it)
I want to know everything there is to know about Zika. For instance:
Where does Zika come from?
If I get knocked up, how do I know I'm not carrying a Zika baby?
Could I die from Zika?
Does the Zika virus live in you forever? You get the jist.
14. Why do my dog's paws smell like Fritos?
The first time I told a friend my dog's feet smell like Fritos, she looked at me the way my mom looked at me the day I told her Ricky Martin is gay. Like, "Bitch you crazy". Even though both are totally legitimate statements. So feeling disappointed and like I really was crazy, I turned to the Google community and found that hundreds of thousands of people have dogs with paws that smell like toasted corn too! Who knew? The smell is caused by some yeast in their paws. All I know is I get one whiff of those little corn paws and I get hungry.
15. Can sloths vomit?
No, apparently sloths cannot vomit. They also cannot "vomiting" because that is not how you speak the English language! And can someone please explain the logic behind the first sentence of the following paragraph?
"For upside-down sloths, what goes down can't come up". Wouldn't what's down be up for a sloth that is upside down? Am I the only one tripping over this? Also, what the fuck is a "one-way" throat? Is there an animal that has a two-way throat? Does this throat move food up instead of down? Backwards instead of forwards? I can't even.
So there you have it; you are NOT alone. What are some weird things you've googled you have been too embarrassed to share?
Now if you'll excuse me, I have more #Shmoogling to do. Hopefully by my next post, all of my life's questions will have been answered by Google.