I’m not an expert in online dating, money, sports, politics, or a lot of other things that seem to be common knowledge to some of you. But I am certain that I can give you the best advise on what to binge watch when you are having one of those days where you just cannot face the world, want to lock yourself in your apartment, sit in your underwear on the couch, eat some junk food, and have your only companion be your dog (or a plant) and play detective; because that’s like every other day for me (sigh). I’m not a Law and Order/ Criminal Minds kind of gal, but man, am I obsessed with twisted documentaries! I want the real deal! Call me a masochistic freak, but there is some strange pleasure in watching an investigation unfold in front of you. Crime documentaries are a level up from Trash TV and let me explain why. A show like Jersey Shore (as amazing as it is) will always leave you feeling better about yourself because, well…Snooki. But a show like The Jinx will make you feel like you’re Sherlock Fucking Holmes and you had some part in solving a crime. Oh the wonders of entertainment! One minute you feel like you can party like a Kardashian and the other you’re taking notes on why you think Amanda Knox is innocent.
This post is all about honoring our friends Netflix, HBO and YouTube, for providing us with some of the most horrifyingly, fucked-up true stories of the modern world. In no particular order, here is a list of documentaries I have seen and you MUST watch if you want to lose all hope in humanity. Enjoy!
Although I said I wasn’t writing this in any particular order, I have to give The Jinx the respect it deserves, ok? Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Durst is one of the most fascinating human beings you will ever have the pleasure of observing from the comfort of your living room. From his constant twitching to his emotionless remarks about his fucked up childhood, there is almost something endearing about the psychopath that makes you think he could be your very own cute, storybook grandpa. If you’re poor AF like us and paying $14.95 a month for an HBO subscription seems like an unrealistic goal, then hop on the freeloader train and get someone’s password because this shit is TV GOLD!
An Interview With a Cannibal
Or in other words: 30 Minutes of Pure Torture. I watched this one last night on Vice.com, so my thoughts on it are freshest and quite raw...like the human meat this Japanese monster likes to feast on because he is the devil and I never ever ever want to got to Japan, or have children, or see this stupid documentary ever again!!!!!!!!!!!! I just have one question for the Japanese people: why is this man still roaming your streets? Oh, and in case you were wondering what the best way to chop up a human body is, this film offers some fun illustrations for educational purposes. (barf)
Mommy Dead and Dearest
Another HBO gem. As indicative as the title may be, this one is, in the literal sense of the word, the mother of all human disgrace. The perfect Mother’s Day movie if you ask me! Because, well, after you watch this, you will want to hold your mom for 3 hours while you sob, while you name all the reasons why she is wonderful and you are the luckiest motherfucker on the planet.
Making a Murderer
If you weren't a part of the 20 million people in the US that watched this show after 35 days of its release on Netflix, GET WITH THE PROGRAM. Call Making a Murderer your crash course in detective work, because after watching all ten episodes of this jewel, you will have a broader forensic vocabulary than those assholes on CSI. And as if Netflix wasn't amazing already, it will grace us with a second season of Making a Murderer sometime this year.
I have mixed feelings about this one. Aside from the fact that I am not crazy about the dramatic reenactments in the film, I am appalled by the thought that something like this could even happen. The people involved in "solving" this mystery are so damn stupid, they don't deserve a documentary. By the end of it you might think, "wow, that guy is a genius for fooling those people like that." No, no, no. Let me tell you something. The only reason why an older, dark haired, brown-eyed guy with a thick french accent was able to trick people into believing he was an American, blue-eyed, blonde haired boy that had disappeared in Texas 3 years prior, is because those people have the IQ of a thermus and he happens to be a little less stupid. So don't pat yourself on the back anytime soon, Frederic Bourdin!
Every "detective" on this case including the genius that "solved it".
A better title for this film would have been Holy Fuck, What Did I Just Watch? I have to give my husband credit for finding this one. If you want to know why a large group of pretty capable adults were mind-fucked into forming a cult by a plastic-looking, failed porn-star, sexual deviant in a speedo, you must watch Holy Hell. It'll only take you 1hr and 43min and a Netflix subscription. Good luck.
Matt Shepard Was A Friend Of Mine
Get your tissues out because this one is a major tear jerker. A lovely tribute to Matthew Shepard, a young man that was brutally slain in 1998 by two homophobic fucks; for lack of a better word, this documentary is well worth the tears and anger. Hey, I never said this list was going to be fun!
Shadow Of Truth
If you're one of those idiots that doesn't watch foreign films because you're not into reading subtitles, GROW UP or go back to pre-K. Shadow of Truth is an Israeli documentary in 4 episodes and I promise you, each episode is more intriguing than the last. And when you're done, you're going to wish you could un-see it and watch it all over again. To me, it is one of the most brilliantly formatted documentaries out there and it is all shades of messed up. To avoid ruining the suspense of this Netflix treasure, all I'll say about this is it involves a dead girl, a Ukrainian immigrant, a private school and a self-proclaimed she-wolf who puts Shakira to shame.
Mea Maxima Culpa: Silence In The House Of God
If you're still not convinced that religion is the source of all evil, here's something to make you reconsider. Mea Maxima Culpa is definitely in the tear-jerker category because what is worse than taking advantage of children? Taking advantage of DEAF children. Yep, you heard me right. So take out your wallets and pay for that HBO subscription already!
Listen, if this case is EVER revisited and it turns out that Amanda is guilty, I will apologize to you all but for now, I choose to believe that Foxy-Knoxy has had it really fucking hard in life and she deserves a damn break and all that money she's made with those books of hers! I remember Amanda Knox as the headline that terrified my parents a year before I left for college in New York. I'm sure my mom thought I was going to get murdered by my roommate so she made sure I lived by myself the first year. Thanks mom.
This latest Amanda Knox documentary on Netflix makes me wonder, is there anything more incompetent on Earth than the Italian Judicial System?! Talk about fucking people over to cover your unprofessional ass! No offense to the Italians, but you got majorly schooled by the Americans on this one.
Raise your hand if you think Amanda Knox is innocent.
Sound familiar? This is the documentary of the story they based the movie Foxcatcher on, where Steve Carrell wears a fake nose and makes your skin crawl. Team Foxcatcher is almost the same as the film but not quite. If you want to see another creepy, rich, emaciated, old guy become a murderer, this is a good one for you! But sadly, it is nowhere nearly as good as The Jinx. Or if you want to see Steve Carrell put on an Academy-Award winning performance, watch the movie! I guess playing a creep pays off.
Everyone's reaction when Jon. E Du-Pont is on camera.
Every JonBenét Ramsey Special Ever Made
No, that is not a title, that is me telling you that you should be obsessed with literally every JonBenét Ramsey documentary, TV special and article there is as I surely am. I don't know what it is about this case that I just cannot let go of. I guess it had the same effect on me than it did on the rest of the world. And maybe it has something to do with the fact that JonBenét Ramsey and I are/were a month apart in age. Come to think of it, she was probably the first child I ever heard of getting murdered in cold blood. If you're even half as fascinated as I am with this unsolved, twisted case, make sure you check out the new Netflix doc. Casting JonBenet, the special on TLC and any other Ramsey family-related material out there because it will surely make your skin crawl in all sorts of ways. Also, please don't name your child JonBénet even if you, like Patsy Ramsey think your child is destined for stardom.
What I'm sure little JonBenet heard every day for her 6 years on this planet. (too insensitive? Sorry...)
And last but certainly not least, The Keepers. Before there was the "Spotlight" case in Boston and the world blew up with allegations of clerical sex abuse, there was the murder of sister Cathy Cesnik in Baltimore. I swear on all that is holy in this world, if you have a pair of eyes and a television, YOU. WILL. LOVE. THIS! I am on episode 4 of 7 and as sad as I am that it will soon come to an end, I am counting down the minutes til I can be home and learn more about Sister Cathy and the students at Keough. As Netflix's newest crime baby, The Keepers has been compared by many to Making A Murderer, although I can already tell you, it is better. Just when you thought you had seen enough fucked up things in your life!
Any guesses? Anyone?
This list could go on for miles but I am afraid I will bore you and I will start getting hand cramps again (yeah that's a thing). There are so many more disturbing documentaries I am dying for all of you to see and here are just a few of them:
Interview With A Serial Killer
Tales of the Grim Sleeper
The Jeffrey Dahmer Files
Child of Rage (make sure you mentally prepare for this one)
Aileen: The Life and Death of A Serial Killer
The Thin Blue Line (classic)
There's Something Wrong With Aunt Diane
That's right, you can thank me later for providing you with 50 hours of fucked up shit to watch next time you call in sick to work or you are bored out of your mind. And although I am proclaiming myself as somewhat of an expert in this field, I would love to hear some recommendations on crime documentaries you think I should absolutely watch. So don't forget to leave a comment!