Because Macee and I are both having a very busy week, for this blog post we decided to keep it simple and grace you with something we feel very passionate about: a list of things and people we are strongly suspicious of. Ironically, we are very trusting people, but we just cannot get down with trusting the following...
1. Pageant Queens
Don’t trust ‘em. Why are you a pageant queen? Why is your smile so wide? Is world peace really all you think about? How much hairspray is in your hair? Is it Aqua Net, or a nicer brand? Is walking complicated? Why do you spend so much time training to deflect questions and then you still suck at it? Is your “deflecting” coach Kellyanne Conway? Did you really get into this for the scholarship opportunities? So many questions…. Such tan people.
2. Color Contact Lenses
You should NOT be able to change the color of your eye balls. Period. Do you see me changing the color of my skin? No. Unless I’m tanning, or Michael Jackson. Take Asian girls, for example: when your eyes are blue, we know you’re lying. Unless this is Memoirs of a Geisha; she gets a free pass.
Oh baby… so much to say. The little creepy hands with sharp little nails you can’t trim yet, the spit and unannounced vomiting, your mute little face, just staring at me. What do you want baby? Why are you staring at me? We don’t know each other. What do you want from me? What?!
Don’t you miss pizza? Lets be real, vegan cheese is a) not cheese and b) does not taste and will never taste like cheese, so stop pretending that you like it. What do you eat? I know you’re hungry. Do you really like kale? Your whole lifestyle is just too high-maintenance for me. Your hot yoga, your juice cleanses, the fact that we can’t invite you to dinner parties; it’s all just too much. FYI, your skin looks yellow.
5. Fake Accents
Can I please see your passport? Just because you took a dialect class, like every other actor in this city, does not make you the Leonardo DiCaprio of accents.
No bitch, you can't.
As excited as we are that the 90’s are making a comeback and we can dress like Neve Campbell again, chokers can be a health hazard because they actually choke you. One minute you’re putting them on and looking all sexy, and the next you’re gasping for air. Don’t trust them ladies!
How does one get into clowning? Did you sit down with your parents and discuss things you would be good at and just landed on “clown”? But hey, if you’re reading this, and you think this is the career path of your dreams, here’s a link to audition for the Ringling Bros.:
Speaking of clowns....
9. Donald Trump
The concept is awesome; the people that drive them suck balls. Have you met a Prius driver that drives over 40 miles an hour, or that doesn’t make you feel like they’re saving the world and you’re a fucking asshole? Didn't think so.
11. People who don't like talking about sex
What are you hiding? Do you think sex is bad? Are you doing something weirder than the rest of us? I don’t need to know all your deepest, darkest secrets, but I also can’t be friends with you unless I know you are not an asexual lamp.
Therapists usually end up being therapists because they need therapy themselves. People think their therapists are giving them life-changing advice, when really they’re repeating the same 3 generic phrases:
How do you feel about that?
Interesting. Why do you think that is?
My friends that are therapists are the last people I would call for life advice. If you really need therapy, go to a psychiatrist, a.k.a someone that can actually prescribe some Lexapro.
(Exhales) Where to begin? We don’t all need to be saved. Macee personally thinks heaven would be boring. Fernanda knows if there is one, she’s going to purgatory and that’s A-Okay. Christians in particular are the most difficult of the religious people because they never stop shoving they’re belief-system down your throat and they think anyone who thinks differently is a threat. Hindus aren’t weird, Buddhists are cool, Jews are fun, what is wrong with you?! Why are you so interested in how I live my life and how I choose to do things? If you don’t have time for gay people and you don’t have time for science, I don’t have time for you. And in my book, you are just as nonsensical as Scientologists.
Play for some magic.
14. People who speak in the 3rd person
Are you a real person? Have you travelled outside of your body and are now experiencing your life from the point of view of David Attenborough? Your life is not a BBC documentary. “Macee and Fernanda” think this is bullshit.
16. Lash Curlers
They’re great when you need that extra curl but man, those motherfuckers can be tricky. I have pinched my eyelids more times that I can count. But hey, beauty is pain, right?
17. Couples who over-post on Facebook
We see through your lies! You are not that happy! We know it’s a façade, so stop trying. Life is passing you by while you’re busy posting disgusting kissy face pictures captioned with a line from quotes.com. We’re all just patiently waiting for you to break up and update your Facebook statuses to passive-aggressive sayings like, “You never know what you have until you lose it”. Raise your hand if the unhappiest couples you know are the ones that make you gag on Facebook, and the ones you screenshot and make fun of in your group texts.
Khakis are in no way, shape or form, flattering. Doesn’t matter the shade or pleat, your booty looks repulsive. Is your mean boss making you wear these or do you actually think they’re fashionable? How are they still in production? In fact, we’re starting a petition to stop Old Navy from producing next season’s line of Khakis. BOOM. You’re welcome. Also, what kind of word is “khaki”? I guess it’s just as hideous as the pant itself.
This is more specific to Macee. She thinks they’re flying dinosaurs (because they are, duh) and she does not understand why the world has just accepted them into modern day society. Don’t even get her started on pet birds.
Although Uber is a brilliant concept, do you ever stop and wonder, why hopping into a stranger’s car has become a normal activity? You don’t know this person. You just locked yourself in a box on wheels with them. Are they a better driver than you are? Are they a serial killer? Is there a body in the trunk? Could your body be the next one in the trunk? YOU DON’T KNOW!
20. People who don't curse
Hate em. Are you better than the rest of us? You are actually being more offensive by announcing your hatred of curse words and making the rest of us modern-day humans feel bad about our word choice. Sometimes nothing gets your point across quite like a good curse word. You should try it. None of us take you seriously with your Oh dear’s and Gosh darn it’s. Fuck you, you polite pieces of shit.
21. The Ocean
Oh the ocean! The blue, majestic vastness of water and life. So beautiful to look at, so creepy to be in. It is a big container of fish pee and salt riddled with monsters you can’t see, waiting to eat you alive. Love it, but don’t trust it.
22. People who don't like dogs
What is wrong with you? You asshole. You have no soul. Here is a picture to remind you of the darkness that is your heart.
Yes, he's judging you.
23. Self-help Books
If they really worked, wouldn't we all be healed?
I think all of us bilingual folk have seen the atrocities of a badly translated subtitle. And us monolingual people are still left wondering how three sentences can translate into only two words. The whole thing is just suspicious.
25. Desert People
Those of you that are non-California residents may have not had the pleasure of meeting people that were born and raised in the fucking desert of armpit California, so we hear by inform you that they are strange. There cannot be anything fun about living in the desert. I wonder what their childhood must have been like…playing with cacti, and stuff. Based on personal experience, desert people are weird as fuck and are bad with eye contact. Their conversations are slow and boring. But then again, you remember, "you grew up in the fucking desert. Of course you have nothing to talk about."
When you tell me you're from the desert.
26. Under-consumers (a.k.a. Cheap Asses)
Being cheap is repulsive. You’re missing out on the finer things in life. Macee currently has 20 dollars to her name and 0 regrets. Suck it, stingy assholes.
27. Self-Flushing Toilets
No one likes to be told when they are done. Especially with a splash of their own bodily waste on their ass. Thanks self-flushing toilets. You really make public restrooms an even bigger nightmare. We will now refer to you as the “Russian roulette of shit”, you never know when it’s gonna hit ya!
Welp, that's all we've got for you! So, comment below and let us know what you don't trust.