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Show Me The Meaning of Being Old

March 15, 2017

Last weekend will go down in history as one of the most important nights of my life because it was the weekend that my friend Ale and I spent $1,000 to see the world's oldest boy band- The Back Street Boys.... in concert.... in Vegas! Fernanda was busy partaking in other young(er) adult activities, so she couldn't join us on our epic Backstreet adventure.

Six months ago, Ale and I cleared our calendars and made the life-changing decision to purchase Backstreet Boys tickets the morning they went on sale, and we have been patiently waiting for the most exciting weekend of our lives to begin ever since!  Above is a video of me looking sexy in my glasses and laughing hysterically as we realized that we just spent $300 each on tickets to see a bunch of elderly men with joint problems and bad knee’s dance around in glittery costumes like they used to when they we’re in their 20’s. 

 

So, in preparation for the BSB event Ale, Fernanda, and I attempted to make these snazzy T-shirts, in yet another epic DIY fail.  (Let’s face it, I’m just not cut out for domestic activities.)

Then we loaded our dogs in the car, and headed to Las Vegas for the most epic concert of our lives!

At the concert of our dreams whilst watching these middle aged men attempt to dance around like they used to when they were in their prime, I had the overwhelming realization that all of us 80's and 90's babies are, just like the Backstreet Boys, getting old as fuck! Since most of my friends and I are slowly approaching the much dreaded decade that is our 30’s, I thought it only appropriate to analyze the joy of aging though my experience of watching the world’s oldest boy band concert.

 

In your late 20’s and early 30’s, you may begin to notice some very un-fun changes to your body that simply weren’t a concern in your late teen’s and early 20’s.  You will begin to witness your body morph from it’s spry, sexy picture of youth and agility.

To an older, crinklier, pudgier version of your former self.

So here is a list of some not so cool things that you can expect to experience as you prepare to bid farewell to the decade that was your early 20’s, as demonstrated by our elderly friends, The Backstreet Boys. :(

 

Body Fail #1

Wrinkles & Smile Lines (I DON'T Want It That Way!)

 

That’s right, you are now being punished for happiness. So it’s time to stop smiling, and focus on keeping a nice neutral emotionless face for all eternity, or else you risk cracking that once baby-smooth skin of yours.

As shown by all members of the BSB, wrinkles and smile lines become a daily battle as you get older. Once you approach your mid 20’s you will quickly hit your limit of facial expressions, and randomly start to notice the appearance of small wrinkles on your face and body, seemingly over night.  At first you may think, “But, this can’t be! I’m still so young! I must just be tired.”  So you slap on some moisturizer, do a couple of face masks, get some extra sleep, and think to yourself “This will all be gone by morning.”

 

I hate to be the one to break it you my friend...but you're in your mid 20’s now, and those wrinkles that magically appeared out of nowhere are REAL, and they are here to stay! 

 

Suddenly you are left with two options: #1. Grit your teeth and bare it- allowing yourself to age gracefully and naturally the way god intended.  Or option #2 (my personal preference) fight it with every fiber of your being like Joan Rivers, by resorting to every aging woman’s new best friend- Botox! 

(Me after discovering Botox)

 

At the age of 27 the heavenly Dr. Ella came to my forehead’s rescue, and I now look forward to being jabbed with a needle every 4 months for the rest of my life.  If you choose option #2, like I did, you will grow to find comfort in not being able to feel above your eyebrows, and will begin marking your bo-appointments on your calendar with a little smiley face cause aging gracefully is for suckers! :D

 

Body Fail #2

Larger then Life (The Struggle Is Real!)

 

As I quickly observed during the BSB concert each of the formerly spry members of this world famous boy band are struggling with their own unique tale-tale sign of aging. Take our pal Nick Carter for example:

 

Once you hit those last few years before 30, not being fat suddenly takes a ton of work. Just like our portly middle aged friend, in his unforgiving white suit that proudly displayed the bulge he’s been fighting for years. 

 

So when you reach your late 20’s, you must exercise vigorously and posses ample amounts of self-restraint in the kitchen in order to stay only slightly chubbier than you were during your former years of youth. Otherwise, you run the risk of ending up like our largest, sweatiest, most out of breath Backstreet Boy displayed in the video below.

But don’t worry too much about how hard the dieting will be cause you can’t eat the same kinds of delicious foods that you once did when you were a youngster.  Or your ancient body will be riddled with heart burn and stomach pains if you do. Growing up, I always wondered why my Dad talked about his poop as though it was some kind of event. Now I know – cause ya old! And now that I too am aging, I frequently find myself discussing bathroom activities with my friends because that’s what us elderly folk do!

 

In my early 20’s I ate like shit and never graced the door of the gym, but now I go to a two hour pole dancing class twice a week, run my ass off on the treadmill 3 to 4 times a week, and exists on the saddest most depressing diet of boring salads and cauliflower that the world has ever seen just to be 10 pounds fatter than I was 5 years ago. THE STRUGGLE IS REAL FOLKS!  

(Ale worrying about the wellbeing of the BSB's)

 

A couple of months ago I decided to try on a pair of shorts that I wore regularly in my early 20’s. After the worlds longest battle to physically get them on my body, I finally got them buttoned and decided that I would wear them around the apartment for the afternoon to see if they would stretch back out to normal because obviously the problem wasn’t that I couldn’t fit into them anymore. No, the heat of my apartment during the summer months must have shrunk the shorts while they were hanging forgotten in my closet day after hot day!

 

So I buttoned those bad boys up and went on about my business despite the moderate amount of discomfort. About 20 minutes later my legs started to tingle and I thought, “Well that’s weird...”  Then after a few more minutes passed, my legs suddenly gave out and I fell to the ground because the tightness of my early 20’s shorts had completely cut off the circulation to my lower body. Moral of the story is that if you don’t want to look like 10lbs of sugar in a 5lb bag like our former slim and trim BSB member Nick did at the concert.  Then you gotta WORK, WORK, WORK, and you gotta STARVE, STARVE, STARVE yourself every day…damn it!!

 

Body Fail #3

The Pain  (Now I Can See That We're Falling Apart From The Way That Used To Be!)

 

Yeah! So as previously mentioned you have to eat less (way less) and exercise more these days. WAY more!  The only problem is that your old body has become riddled with new aches and pains making it difficult to find the motivation to get up and move.  (Because you're just SO tired all the time, and sore from yesterday’s work out.)  Kevin knows this old people's problem better than anyone, as discussed in great detail in the Backstreet Boys Documentary “Show Em What Your Made Of” a.k.a my all-time favorite guilty pleasure. Kevin’s knees are done to the point that he can barely hike up a hill.  I feel ya Kev!

Thanks to years of busting a move on stage, now that this boy band is in their 40’s, their joints are shot. In fact these guys are so old and tired that they have actually hired a team of much younger 20 something’s to do their dances for them, whilst they rock it out with some killer arms movements, as shown in the video below.

That’s right, move those arms boys! You aren’t spring chickens anymore!

 

Body Fail #4

Hair  (I Try To Hide It So That No One Knows... But I Guess It Shows...)

 

As you get older your hair will betray you. Thinning hair is frequent problem that comes with age, and it is most noticeably experienced by heart throb, Brian's hair. Or should I say, lack there of...

TELL ME WHY?!

I have no tolerance for baldness. Receding hairlines are such a shame, and I truly hate that in this day and age we haven’t found a better cure for balding.  Because let’s face it, I just can’t do bald! (literally....)  Now that I have upped myself to the next age bracket of men with online dating, examining hairlines or the possible lack there of has become way too time consuming and frustrating.  For that, reason Brian’s aging problem is the saddest of them all because thanks to time and the lack of advances in the medical field in regards to hair, Brian has lost his spot as my all time favorite Backstreet Boy, regardless of his beautiful jaw line.  I’m sorry, but I want it all plus hair! I just do! Hair is that important! 

 

Getting older is a real bitch on your follicles any way you look at it!  I'm sorry Brian, I feel your pain. 

 

Body Fail #5

Howie (Am I The Only One?...Yeah.)

I actually have nothing to say about Howie.  Howie is currently the most youthful and energetic member of the group, but Howie was always the outcast of the Backstreet Boys. So in keeping with tradition let’s move on to body fail #6, shall we?

 

Body Fail #6

Hangovers  (Deep Within My Soul, I feel Nothing's Like It Used To Be!)

 

After the end of the BSB concert, Ale and I had a big void to fill in our lives, knowing that the moment we had been waiting for for months had just ended. So naturally, like bad boy AJ, we turned to mass amounts of booze.

We made our way to the karaoke bar in Planet Hollywood where I found a mid 40's bartender, that somewhat reminded me of our aging boy band members, and slightly began to heal the whole in our hearts caused by the BSB concert now being over, as he pumped us full of free drinks. 

 I continued to chug tequila and flirt with our old man bartender, while Ale went to ride a bull somewhere else in Planet Hollywood, until my totally wasted self realized that I didn’t have a clue what hotel room we were staying in, and I attempted, yet failed, to send this text to my friends Adrian, Danny, and Fernanda for help.  

Oh "Planner Hollywois"! Luckily, several minutes later I finally reunited with Ale. And in the hotel room, totally wasted, I made this video to finish documenting our BSB experience.  

 

When I woke up the next morning, the former "laughing and having a good time Macee" from the night before was basically begging for someone to kill me and put me out of my misery. After age 26, hangovers become brutal man! And they last for days!  DAYS!! While resting my head on the table at breakfast, trying not to puke, I reminisced about the days of college when I could drink all night, and still make it to my 8:00am class the next morning feeling spry.  But as you approach your 30's one must schedule a solid week to recover from their night of drinking shenanigans.  On nights of drinking like these it is a given that I will spend the better part of 2 days crying about how I don't want throw up, and then calling mom to let her know that I just puked when I finally do, like the 5 years old that I still am at heart! 

 

Just like former BSB bad boy rebel AJ McLean joked in their latest article about the concert. “Getting ready for something like this, there’s lots of ibuprofen involved…I’m not a spring chicken anymore.” I feel ya AJ, I feel ya! Drinking is better suited for the youngsters cause hangovers are a bitch!

 

Although aging can be depressing, and many surprises are in store for you as your body under goes its second coming of puberty, we can all take a lesson from the Backstreet Boys, cause it ain't over until the elderly men dressed in glitter suits sing! 

 

 

 

 

 

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