Alright team hunker down cause this is going to be a long one. As previously stated in our first blog post, Fernanda is the married mess and I am the single mess. But let’s get real, “mess” is putting it lightly. I’m totally fucked in the dating department, and have been since the time my first prom date stood me up at the age of 15 because “he didn’t have pants.” I mean, who wouldn’t want to go out with this hottie? Am I right?! Ha ha!
Now, I know that everyone thinks they have the craziest dating stories, but I can assure you that I am actually THE QUEEN of online dating hell. You see, not that long ago I decided to do a little experiment where I would go on one blind date a week for an entire year and write a book about my experience. I assumed that surely somewhere along the way I would find my Prince Charming amongst those 52 online strangers, but boy was I wrong!! In reality, I ended up going on over 100 plus painfully tortuous dates and in the end all I had to show for it was 22 chapters of a book that is way too embarrassing for me to finish.
Fernanda will roll her eyes as she reads this, but toward the end of my dating experiment out of pure desperation I went to see a psychic, that lives above a gas station on Ventura Blvd., for advice. The snaggletooth old lady that did my reading told me that I have a curse on my love life that was placed on me by someone that I wronged romantically in a past life, and now I am destined to pay off my debits in this life though a string of uncontrollable disastrous relationships. Normally, I wouldn’t take the words of a hygienically challenged woman living above a Chevron to heart, but that old hippy hit the nail on the head when it comes to my luck in love, decaying tooth and all.
As crazy as all of this may sound, if you actually knew the details of my former relationships, then the idea of me being cursed might not seem too far fetched. I mean, lets face it, I would jump for joy at the thought of a normal “he cheated on me” break up. So thanks to the curse, I am currently taking a break from dating and have surrendered to a life of singlehood with my puppy Nelson. However, as a retired former dating professional, I am presently dedicating my time to helping a friend that I met though Fernanda find love, by serving as her online dating coach. While I was perusing some of my profiles for tips to help our gal pal in her quest for love. I came across some amazing messages in my dating app inbox that I just have to share. So for my first solo blog post, I present you with: Macee's Top 5 OkCupid Messages Of All Time.
#1 - Mr. Stethoscope
Umm…yes! Why yes I do! However, the profile picture of the stethoscope makes this slave offer seem less appealing, as I am afraid that he might want to use some of his other medical devices to scalpel me in exchange for slavery. So sadly, I think I'm going to have to pass and continue doing the dishes by myself, like the poor person that I am.
#2 – Mr. Chivalry
Chivalry is not dead folks! Any ladies looking for a sperm donor message me, and I'll be happy to pass his information along!
#3 – Mr. Nudist
I should note that this guy did not earn his spot as # 3 on my list based on the message itself. No, this outstanding gentleman received his high ranking because of his extreme nakedness....WITH CATS. As displayed in the following profile pictures.
SO SO MANY CATS!!!
#4 – Mr. Surprise Text
(I'm not including this guy's profile picture and original OkCupid message because the real gem of information came to me in the form of a text after I decided to meet this gentleman in person for a date.)
AND BECAUSE I JUST HAD TO ASK....
Well that answers that.... So moving on along to the man that tops my chart.
#5 – Mr. Foreigner
At this time I suggest we all go to the Body Guard sound track, which I'm sure is on all of our playlists, and click on the late great Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" as I introduce you to Mr. Foreigner...cause this guy is certainly deserving of a little mood music as his seduction gets underway.
(Before you begin reading, I would like to disclose that the entire text below is verbatim from my Cupid inbox. Mr. Foreigner's message is to hard to read when posted in pictures. So I have typed the message out word for word for your enjoyment. I want to apologize in advance for the infrequent use of punctuation in this message. The man is clearly not a fan of the period. Without further ado, I present the complete message of Mr. Foreigner, spelling and grammatical errors and all.)
Nice to meet you :-) I am Thomas, an Austrian-Italian-German, who is about to move to Los Angeles…but before delving deeper into me, my biography, and what I am looking for…I am always open, honest and direct - some people consider me to be blunt/rude/impolite—needless to say I consider such people repressed/boorish/scared, which obviously I am not…and I am no prince of modesty either :-)
Anyway - “Always open, honest and direct” means that herein below you might sometimes gasp for air, be shocked, laugh out loud or just shake your head… good :-) that’s means I am touching you emotionally and not just reaching you intellectually :-)
Now back to me: Austrian-Italian-German, who grew up in Italy, Austria, Germany, Edinburgh, London, Boston, , New York, Sacramento, and then studied at the Academy of Art in San Francisco, then did a two year stint in the Italian Army Rangers, then studied economics, politics, history, and english at Innsbruck in Austria (easy university, but so many good sport possibilities there in the middle of the Alps :-), then worked in politics, then went to film productions for the biggest film studio in Kiev, Ukraine and now moving to Los Angeles in January 2015, as, after spending weeks in tents for a revolution and half a year on the frontlines combating Russians and other assorted fascist shit (If you like Putin - please stop reading now and go get hit by a truck!), I decided it is time to go back to my career and no better place to do that then LA.
Right now I am wrapping up my work in Ukraine (aka “burying Russians”), then packing and heading for a month long holiday and then going to LA after New Years Eve. The company I signed with is already looking for a house for me (with swimming pool! With swimming pool!!!) and from February 1st, I will develop “artistically credible, commercially viable” movies… (or in other words: do Hollywood shit).
So why do I write you? Well, as I am leaving half a dozen or so girlfriends in Kiev behind and can’t live without girlfriends, I am already looking now for the right gals to meet, date, arouse, satisfy and spoil in LA. Yes you read that right: girlfriends as in “more then fingers on your hand”. I love girls, love to be with them, in them and near them - ideally two three at a time. I make sure they are all well taken care of, healthy, spoiled and feeling like a princess and they adore me back.
I am extremely curious, liberal, generous, sex-addicted, openhearted and into oral, anal and hours-long sex. I have an open house policy, which means my girlfriends can walk in (and out) of my house anytime they want and join in or out of sex as they like it. I will have the same in Los Angeles, so you can come anytime to see me, be with me, or with the other girls, even if it’s just for a movie night, some cuddling, talk or dinner. Main conditions to join are: no jealousy, open-mind and not to sleep around without condoms outside of our little group!!!!
If you are interested and aroused by the thought of such a life and sex-life – good, let’s talk and chat, until I land in LA, because I intend to hit the high gears there the moment I get off the plane :-) After some time a few of my girlfriends from Kyiv might come over for some weeks to visit (depends on when and for how long I can get US-tourist visas for them).
Besides that not much more to tell now… just that you can ask me anything that you want and I will answer directly and openly. And a few final notes about me: I am serious, I am STD free, I am tattoo and piercings free, I do not drink, smoke, do drugs, I know how to make girls get uncontrollably aroused AND come fervidly, I am working all day long, I am getting a cat as soon as I have settled into my house in LA, if you want a child, will be happy to get you pregnant and be a generous and good dad, but I don’t want the child to live with me (as with my daughter), I am willing to help your career (if your talent is worth helping), I am also all the time happy, sunny, smart, witty, tasty, sarcastic, lazy, sporty, educated, charming, acid, sweet, and now off to pack more of my stuff for shipping it out of here.
Now, if that didn’t scare you off – then I would love to hear from you! :-) Cheers and hugs and all the best from snowy Kyiv :-)”
20 minutes after reading his message and not responding, I received a second message from our unfortunate looking little foreign friend.
“I and my bi girl friend (as in bisexual, hot, 20 year old, single, female, friend living in Glendale) would love to know if you are interested in some girl on girl action for a starter (as in chat then coffee) ;-) As you are the most beautiful girl that either of us has ever seen. Cheers and thanks in advance for any kind of answer :-)”
Even though I did not reply to, Thomas a.k.a "The King of Seduction" for fear of ending up in chains inside his soundproof basement, he did make a lasting impression on all of our lives.
And I-I-I will always love you-ooouu Mr. Foreigner! Will always love you…..